the moment I knew that I would take Sannyas

On January 19th 1993 I entered the Osho Commune in Pune for the very first time. I had been in India since 5 years already, studying at R. Tagore’s University in West Bengal and then travelling around with my backpack and my long dreadlocks in search of the divine. I was a hard-core hippy then and I had never heard of Osho.

One day, on the banks of the marble rocks near Jabalpur, I met an Osho Sannyasin. He took me on a boat under the full moon and seduced me to go to Pune and check it out. I felt finished with India and was reluctant to have any new experiences in this country, but somehow I changed the ticket and went to Pune for 5 days.

Those days I was having recurrent flashbacks and scary out-of-body experiences. I always felt very alone in that.

The commune was in the middle of a huge carnival celebrating Osho’s death, and the place was throbbing when I entered the gateless gate. That night the Buddha Hall was packed as I sat there in the middle of thousands of people for my first meeting of the Osho white robe brotherhood.

There was a juicy band and great dancing. Just before sitting down I suddenly felt myself expand and fill the whole space. I became bigger than the space. I started to feel fear, again. It was another one of those scary experiences that I always tried to suppress and overpower. My heartbeat became faster, I wanted to leave, go for a walk, do something. Just then everyone sat down and a pin drop silence descended. I was still out of my body, fighting what was happening, having flashbacks of those days not so long ago when I was in coma and paralysed in Delhi.

 

As I looked around wondering how I could possibly leave the hall, Osho’s voice came “Close your eyes, be here, feel your body, just go in, and in and in and in”

In that moment, I let go for maybe the first time in my life; I surrendered, dived into His words, and let Him guide me and hold my hand.

When I opened my eyes again, I was back in my body, fear was gone, and love was all around.

Osho was now my master, I would take Sannyas, and the 5 days in Pune would turn into 2 decades.

Those hallucinations never came back.

 

 

 

Early morning dream in Koregaon Park, Pune

Yes, I am back in Koregaon park. I did spend 21 years of my life here, until 2 years ago I got banned from entering Osho’s garden for having reposted on my FB wall an article about the faked Osho Will that the management didn’t like.

Following that event, I went through the shock wave, and then the anger, the pain…

Certainly a lot got processed, much water went through the Ganges since, and in many ways it feels like a story of a past life.

And yet, something still was bugging my heart, something incomplete, something I can never really put a finger on.

Being back in Pune brings up a weird mixture of feelings.

Running through the silent night comes J. His hair is long and unbrushed; he is wearing an old maroon robe. I can feel him climb the stairs, look at the little Osho picture on the door and knock hastily.

I get up and open the door.

“Hi Nirav. I want to apologize for banning you. I was out of my mind. I listened to Osho again recently. He talked about Freedom being the ultimate value; He talked about the creative mind and the rebellious spirit. No! It was not right. Osho would never have approved. Please forgive me, and come back anytime.”

“Wao! Thank you, man, I really appreciate your coming here personally. Please sit down. I’ll make us a coffee.”

“Sorry, I have to go. I still have over 3000 people to visit.”

And off he was again through the night.

The first birds started chirping in the trees outside, the first sunrays made their way through the curtains, my Beloved was still sleeping next to me. Rarely do I remember dreams, but this felt more than a dream. I sat there for a few minutes, in this gap between what had just happened in my heart and my mind trying to figure out if it was real or not.

I went for an early morning walk through the still beautiful lanes of Koregaon Park, enjoying a lightness I had not experienced in a long time.

It was a dream. And it was real. And given the choice, I would dismiss the dream and remember whatever felt real.

Maybe this short trip back to Pune had hidden treasures that I would never have suspected. Maybe  the real treasure was the remembering of a simple dream.

Pune, March 16th 2017

Nirav

You don’t have to figure it all out

You don’t have to figure out the mess in your head. You don’t have to make sense of your confusion, your thoughts, your ideas of what is right and what is wrong.

You don’t have to manage your emotional turmoils. Your feelings, all of them, can just be there, un-interfered with.

And who says it is a mess? Another voice, another thought, another feeling.

That mess is your life force taking shapes; it is your fire, your passion, your love and your freedom. Let it be. Rejoice in it all. Let the mess giggle at you…until you giggle back.

Who you are doesn’t need any figuring out; who you are could not care less about the traffic in your head or in your emotional body. Who you are is at peace, beyond peace, always and forever.

Rest here; where every thought and every worry takes form, where every feeling is born, where all is possible and where nothing matters.

 

Sometimes nothing works out

Sometimes nothing works out and I feel hurt, pissed, sad, angry, frustrated. I just want to sulk and hide under the blanket.

In those moments, I wonder where the joy in my heart has gone, what has happened with the ease and flow I was experiencing just a while ago?

Where is my connection with the divine, that space of total acceptance, that embracing of all there is?

I feel the dark side of the moon showing itself, the shadows of my inner world knocking on my door. I feel drawn into a space of discomfort, a space I had wished extinct, a space that challenges to the core who I believe I should now be.

Attempts to move out of that space and look for the light seem so futile; trying and change the situation seems utterly old fashioned, overdone, exhausted.

I feel trapped. I can smell the depth of the discontent, the darkness of the night, the helplessness I am in.

There is no way out. And now the way in too has been taken away.

Knowing that “this too shall pass” doesn’t help; understanding that in the world of duality everything has a shadow side doesn’t soothe the pain.

This pain is the yearning of the soul, the tearing apart of all the beliefs, the un- and rewiring of the mind. In those moments this pain is all there is, all there need be- it is all and nothing both. This pain is the remembrance that life is an eternal unfolding, a mystery to be lived, a mystery to die into, and a mystery to be celebrated in all its glory.

 

 

 

an inextinguishable fire

I touched an abyss that scared me

I did shit my pants and felt my heart rip open

A darkness that felt so bottomless

I was sure I would die

There was no torch in that moment, no candle to be found

I simply was alone, alone, alone

I struggled and went through hell

I fought with all my strength

Until I fell flat and let go

Let go, let go, let go

In that moment of acceptance fear disappeared

Love appeared

Gently falling into a darkness that became an inextinguishable fire.